There are periods in parenting when it feels as though one child is constantly pulling at you. They need more help, more reassurance, more presence. Their emotions feel louder. Their reactions feel bigger. And no matter how much you give, it can feel like it’s never quite enough.
Alongside that, there’s often another feeling, quieter but sharp.
Is this fair?
What about the other child?
Am I getting this wrong?
Many parents carry a lot of guilt here. They worry that giving more to one child means taking something away from another. That attention becomes a kind of currency, something that must be divided evenly to be just.
But children don’t need equal attention. They need attuned attention.
A child who seems to need more is rarely asking for something abstract. They’re responding to something specific. A developmental phase. A shift in the family system. A change in routine, energy, or availability. Sometimes they’re responding to something that isn’t even about them directly, but that they can feel nonetheless.
Children are extraordinarily sensitive to emotional movement. They notice when things are stretched. When parents are tired. When roles are shifting. When the household rhythm changes. One child may register this internally and become quieter. Another may register it externally and need more contact.
Neither response is wrong.
What often makes this difficult for parents is the comparison. It can feel as though one child is “easy” while the other is “hard,” or that one is content while the other is demanding. But these labels don’t tell the full story. They flatten what’s actually happening.
Need is not a fixed trait. It moves.
There are times when one child requires more regulation because they are developing a new capacity. Times when another child needs less because they are resourced elsewhere. These roles change over time, often more fluidly than parents expect.
The trouble comes when parents interpret this imbalance as something that must be corrected.
Trying to force things back to “equal” can create more tension, not less. It can lead to resentment, internal pressure, or emotional withdrawal. Parents may find themselves rationing attention, counting minutes, or second-guessing every interaction.
This is exhausting.
What helps is a shift in how fairness is understood. Fairness in families is not about sameness. It’s about responsiveness.
When one child needs more, responding to that need doesn’t harm the other child. In fact, it often creates a sense of safety in the system as a whole. Children are less concerned with whether attention is evenly distributed than with whether their needs will be met when they arise.
This doesn’t mean ignoring the quieter child. It means staying aware. Checking in. Making space for them in ways that suit their temperament, rather than assuming silence equals lack.
Parents often underestimate how much children can tolerate difference when it’s held calmly.
What children struggle with is not imbalance, but unpredictability. When attention feels inconsistent, reactive, or emotionally charged, they become unsure of their place. When difference is acknowledged and managed with steadiness, it tends to settle.
This is also where parents’ own histories can quietly enter the picture. A child who seems to need more can stir old feelings about fairness, competition, or being overlooked. Parents may feel pulled back into their own childhood experiences without realising it.
These reactions are not failures. They are information.
Noticing them creates space. Space to respond rather than react. Space to differentiate between what belongs to the present and what belongs to the past.
Over time, the child who needs more often needs less. The child who seemed unaffected may have a season where they come forward. Family systems are not static. They are constantly adjusting to growth, stress, and change.
The aim isn’t to keep everything level. It’s to stay in relationship with what’s actually happening.
When parents allow need to move, rather than trying to contain it, the system breathes more easily. Guilt softens. Comparison loosens its grip. There is more room for trust, both in the children and in oneself.
Parenting isn’t about perfect balance. It’s about responding thoughtfully to the moment you’re in, knowing that it will not always look the same.
Sometimes, one child needs more of you. That doesn’t mean something is wrong. It often means something important is happening, and you’re already responding.
